From Chaos to Clarity: Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with Consent and Structure

Before we found our rhythm, it was chaos. literal hell, as my nearly 12-year-old AuDHD/APD son Zack put it, “All hell was breaking loose. The house was in terrible shape. Nobody was doing anything they were supposed to.” And he wasn’t wrong.

We were stuck in a loop of yelling, pushing, begging him to do anything other than watch TV. Some days, we were even shutting off the screen remotely just to force a reaction. It wasn’t working. And none of it felt good. Not for me, not for Zack, not for anyone in the house.

That’s when we found the Joon app and started experimenting with a point-based token system. Just a trial, just to see. Within a week, we were surprised. Within a month, we were sold. (Later, we changed to a different app called "Privilege Points" due to more flexibility and a better yearly cost.)

Zack now earns points for everything from unloading the dishwasher to taking risks on scary amusement park rides. Before he can do anything else, he needs to complete 40 points’ worth of chores. To earn screen time before 6 PM, he has to hit 200 points. If it’s after 6, it’s 100. It’s simple math with powerful meaning.

"Honestly," Zack said, "it works incredibly well. And it’s super consensual. I know what I need to do, and it’s not like someone’s yelling at me to get it done. I just do it." He added, "If I quit the system, I just go back to being told what to do and not getting anything I want. So I’d rather work the system."

I do try to shush him when he curses. We have a family rule, cursing is only allowed in the car. But I also want him to express himself truthfully. And truthfully, it was hell before.

This wasn’t ABA. This wasn’t coercive compliance. This was collaboration. We built the task list together. We set values together. The current app, Privilege Points, lets us customize everything. Zack earns for chores, for exercise, for doing hard things like tutoring, for cooking meals, and for pushing through sensory limits in his own way.

“I used to think money was infinite,” Zack told me once. “I never understood how value worked. Now I know what’s worth it, and what’s too expensive.”

We still have negotiations. He once tried to rate an "unfairly loaded dish rack" at 200 points. I countered with 100. “You cheat too often,” I told him. “I know when there are only two dishes in there.”

But the truth is, he's learning. Not just about chores or chores-for-rewards. He’s learning about time, energy, value, compromise, self-advocacy, and even intrinsic motivation. He's learning that if he wants a kitchen knife, a certain spice, a game, or a piano app subscription, he can earn it, ask for it, and plan around it.

This system helped bring our family from the brink back into balance. My daughter earns points too, for self-education, piano, and crafts. While she wasn’t present to offer her perspective, she’s very much involved in the system and plays a meaningful role in shaping how we use it. We’ve had fewer meltdowns, more autonomy, and even more connection. I get to see my kids wanting to grow, not just being told to.

It’s not a perfect system. No system is. But it’s one that works with my kids, not against them.

When I asked Zack what it was like before we started, he didn’t hesitate:

“... literal hell.”

And now?

“Way better. Way, way better.”